I Am Not Afraid

I am up, once again, before the sun. It’s too cold to sit on the porch this morning, so I did the next best thing: propped myself in my favorite recliner next to a big picture window with a hot mug of coffee, and Calypso, the miniature tigress, in my lap. The Eastern Phoebes that return every spring to their nest under the back porch have arrived. They pause on the porch rail periodically with a beakful of grass to bring their nest back up to code. Their calls of “fee bee….fee bee” as they dart around catching their buggy breakfast bring a smile. I put on my headphones and listened to a devotional by John Eldredge. I watched through the window as the sunrise bloomed over the Twelve Acre Woods, and John reminded me how God has set an outpost of Eden within me. ‘Don’t you yourselves know that you are God’s temple and that the Spirit of God lives in you? ‘ (1 Cor 3:16, CSB). It is a lovely morning, peaceful and bright. But let me back up a bit.

I was surprised to learn recently that I have cancer. I had gone to my doctor for a routine check up, and as the appointment was wrapping up, he said, “It looks like you haven’t had blood work done in a while, so I’ll put in an order to get that done. Stop in the at lab sometime when it’s convenient.” It was convenient a week or so later, so I stopped on my way to work and got it done (and afterwards, found a delightful little donut shop I hadn’t known about). A few days later, the results came back. Something wasn’t right. That led to another blood test, which led to a bone scan, which led to an MRI, which led to a visit to an oncologist, which led to a biopsy, which led to a chest CT scan which gets us up to date: I have cancer. Sarcoma in a muscle in my hip, which has metastasized into my lungs, to be very specific.

Needless to say, this has been quite a shock and a blow. Over the last few weeks I’ve been through the gamut of denial, fear, sadness, and anger. I was on the front porch one evening after receiving the confirmed diagnosis, trying to process the news. I was playing some songs on my smart speaker, and hit upon one by Anne Wilson called Strong. She sang this line: “I hit my knees with my hands held high, saying dear Lord Jesus you know I can’t do this on my own.” It almost made me laugh as Jesus reminded me – Of course, I can’t do this on my own! That’s the whole point, isn’t it? Jesus told us this in no uncertain terms: apart from Me, you can do nothing! (John 15:5, NASB). Nothing! The burdens of this world – I can’t carry them. It’s a truth that is so undeniably obvious and yet one that I so obliviously deny! Anne Wilson’s song goes on to confess, “Lord knows I try, but I’m good at falling down. Thank God you’re good at picking me up off the ground!”

It was in that moment, in which Jesus so kindly and gently reminded me that “with man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible,” (Matthew 19:26, CSB) that my fear and anxiety subsided. That’s not to say I haven’t had moments of fear, anxiety, depression, or anger. But he has been faithful. I take these moments and lay them at his feet and invite him into them.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that worrying about stuff is sort of a hobby of mine and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. So I know that even my ability to receive this kindness and gentleness from Jesus is a result of so many people praying on my behalf for strength and peace. The freedom from fear can only have come from God, and as a result of the fervent prayers of the Righteous (James 5:16, NKJV).

I have no idea why God has set this path before me and and my wife and our family, but he has. I trust that his heart is good even when I can’t see the goodness. I am not afraid.

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